when the roller coaster is down . . .
just a warning, this post is probably going to be weird and philosophical.
‘great . . . now shes a philosophizer . . . ‘ (name the movie and ill love you forever)
its been a crazy week for me. I feel like a wreck but at the same time I feel so happy and scared. my guess is that I have a serious case of joyfear going on. in this time, ive realized that I have only cried ONCE in the 3 months that ive been out here. part of me is pretty happy about that. the other is kind of worried that ive toughened up too much in order to deal with all of the shit that comes along with randomly placing yourself 5000 miles away from home with no real reason except because I could.
im telling you this because I feel a HUGE cry coming on later and strangely enough, im looking forward to it?
today was ‘supposed’ to be the day that I flew back home to continue my life in new jersey. I made these plans, I told everyone them and it was only just recently that I decided I would be going full retard to stay (name the movie, same actor . . ill love you even more).
today im moving into a new place, alone. im fucking scared as shit. I feel like I accomplished so much by coming out here, making friends, exploring the area and grabbing my bearings. the fact that I have to do it again in a new place where it will be even harder is not really something im looking forward to. yes, im strong and tough but I cant say that there are times that I feel like giving up because it would be easier. it didn’t help that my family called me after I had had a few drinks and we all had an awesome conversation like old times. I kind of wish they were out here today. I love all of my family ive made in hawaii, but its not the same.
I want to make it out here. and I know that the universe has big plans for me, but its not going to be an easy ride. I read in a book (and have said it on facebook) that success can almost always be defined by the number of uncomfortable situations and conversations we are willing to have in our lives. if I had a nickel for every time ive put myself in one of those while ive been out here, id be able to afford a yacht by now. well, not exactly a yacht but that’s what it feels like.
I guess the thing is I can either stop and surrender . . . or keep going.
im pretty sure this post would have faired better as a journal entry to keep to myself but I wanted to just let everyone know that as great as it is out here, sometimes the roller coaster has some strong downs before it shoots back up.
I do have some more packing to do, and ill be on my way to the big city of honolulu.
much love to you all!