universe slaps. the safe road . . .
I hope your all interested in some soul vomit because that’s what I got for ya . . .
today I delved deeper into the scary lesson that is setting boundaries and SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF!
ive been going to bed really late and waking up really early. every day I rise with a mix of excitement, love, terror and joy. to be honest, I don’t know what the fuck im doing or how im going to pull it off, but my soul is not allowing me to turn off this feeling.
I see the end result so clearly and yet the wave ive been riding to get there has been choppy at best. but all I want to do is keep riding. all I want to do is figure things out, learn the lessons, do the work, make mistakes and feel the glow.
as ive mentioned, out of 45 people I landed a good job for 3 months starting at the end of august. id be making more money, id be learning a lot and id be safe and secure for that time. today, I pictured my first day. id get up early and I would get right to work. work would be juicing for 7 hours straight. work would be having no creative control over what I do. work would be letting someone else run the show.
work would be miserable.
the days would pile up and so would the misery. id have no quality time to work on my own thing and when I do, id be exhausted and would want to spend that time on play and rest which I value. this morning I started questioning myself . . .
is this really what I want?
universe slap #1 – I went to get lunch today as I haven’t been food shopping in far too long. while waiting for my food, I saw the posters of all the concerts that will be going down on the island in the next few months. I remember thinking to myself that with this new job, id rarely be available for that work if it had come up. and if I was, I would be constantly working on my days off which would definitely not leave me any time for my own work, play or rest.
universe slap #2 – one of my dearest friends I work with called me to tell me she is moving up in our other hospitality company in which we work at concerts for. shes excited, shes happy and she said shes taking me with her to the top because we work together so damn well. yet another opportunity I wouldn’t be available for if I take this job.
universe slap #3 – saying . . I DON’T WANT THIS JOB out loud to another amazing friend who walked me through the feelings about my intuition. there was also a call to dad and the sisters that confirmed my thoughts and made them ok to feel.
universe slap #4 – the decision was made in my head at this point. I drove to sams club to pick up my new business membership and to get a change of scenery as I was staring at my laptop all day. one of the radio stations just came off of a break and was about to play a song. in my head I said, this next song will mean something. and of course . . . it was this one.
I know it sounds crazy and ridiculously corny, but I do love this song and oddly enough it has some pretty resonating lyrics . . .
Make no excuses now
Right now is where you shine
I’m talking here and now
I’m talking here and now
It’s not about what you’ve done
It’s about what you doing
It’s all about where you going
No matter where you’ve been
universe slap #5 – I was pretty much done with being slapped. my trip to sams club was more of a floating narration of this blog post in my head. but apparently that wasn’t enough because this was sitting at my doorstep . . .
- – -
on paper, this job is perfectly amazing for me. ill make enough to pay my bills AND have funds to get some things off the ground. its also so deep into my field of training and I would learn so so many new things that could be valuable to my future.
but . . .
it doesn’t fucking feel right.
in fact if im being 100% authentic and true to myself, it feels more right in my soul to be struggling and NOT know what im doing than to be secure and know EXACTLY what im doing.
and so, an apologetic email shall be constructed on my behalf tomorrow . . .
id love to hear your feedback on this one
love & mahalos