accepting blinding reality.
There are a lot of situations in my life where I feel like I am doing something that doesn’t align with my true being. Nine times out of ten, those situations DIRECTLY relate to my weight and the way I perceive my own appearance.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am hideous nor do I think that I am clinically ‘fat’. What I do think is that I am honest and logical, so to pretend there hasn’t been 10-20lbs of fluctuating un-natural weight on my body for the past ten years would be a lie.
It has been said that things (problems, situations, addictions, circumstances) don’t ever go away until it has taught you the lesson you were meant to learn. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement as there has been a lot of those things that have left my life, that have given me the space to learn the lessons I need to propel forward.
So what the FUCK is this weight teaching me after so damn long?!
I’ve read countless books, I became a personal trainer, supplement consultant, been vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, raw and whatever the hell else I can think of. I’ve trained to become an intuitive eating and holistic health coach and I even went to a special culinary school to help others do what I can’t seem to do myself.
It’s frustrating, its sick and the worst part is that not much of it has to do with WHAT I put in my mouth but HOW I do it and how the thoughts I am thinking or maybe even NOT thinking effect everything.
It’s SO much more than telling yourself you are going to adopt a mostly raw diet and waiting for magic to happen . . .
This is me right now, and I feel uncomfortable.
And the fact that I am singing into a sub sandwich oddly has nothing to do with it.
I feel like I have the energy to change everything but then I get caught up spending so much energy trying to make other people think that I am not this ‘person with a weight problem’. The reality is that most people don’t even care. In fact, most guys I’ve been on dates with and all of my friends have ZERO problem with what I look like or weigh and yet I feel like there is always an elephant in the room, no pun intended.
I’m sick of this noise. I’m sick of hiding and sick of perfectly pretending and calculating my clothing, words and sexuality because I think its distracting someone from the truth.
The truth is . .
I am 175lbs on a good day.
I love drinking beer, really hoppy beer.
I enjoy eating meat.
I love everything about having a caffeinated coffee in the morning.
I am really strong and muscular and always have been.
I am CONSTANTLY worried about how big my stomach looks at all times.
I expect to find a perfect person to love me so that I don’t have to do the work myself when I KNOW it doesn’t ever happen like that.
I secretly love all my curves, especially when I am at a comfortable weight.
I love exercising + hiking in nature but don’t enjoy doing it alone.
I am fearful of putting this post out there, but I am doing it anyway.
It’s no fucking wonder that I feel worthy and deserving in some aspects of my life and not others. It’s no wonder I don’t understand when people tell me I should relax because I am doing amazing in life and that I am too hard on myself.
BECAUSE IM TRYING TO BE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
The loving amazing awesome person I truly am.
. . . and
The person (ego) that inhabits a body that doesn’t ‘fit’ the profile of the above person and therefore keeps sabotaging it to prove herself right.
This holds me back, a lot. More than anyone knows . . .
It occured to me in writing this how I have tried SO many things to learn this lesson, everything except accepting where I am at right now and not pretending that part of me is not reality. I’m not sure how this outburst is going to affect my future, but I do know that I am sick of being uncomfortable and would like to finally make a change the right way. I don’t know what that means, or how it will happen but I do know that I feel a sense of relief and release going forward.