Well, I feel a lot better than I did in the last week.
Along with journaling and yesterday’s blog post, I was able to slow down and reflect on everything instead of scrambling around like a manic mouse.
I was able to have 2 phone conversations with some quality girlfriends as well as attack this accounting nightmare whilst watching YouTube through apple tv in our bedroom.
We stood firm on not putting a TV in the bedroom, but we purchased an awesome dresser from Bryt and it fit so well on it and we were able to take the living room TV count from 3 to 2. It also helped because I was able to watch vlogs while filling up our bookshelf which eliminated one whole box to be unpacked. We now have 8 left to go.
I was able to get a lot of thinking done about my role here in Hawaii. I know that flying back and fourth from here to physically be at my job will only last for another year and a half. With the help of my business partner, I also realized that when I left last time we were not open which left me incredibly disconnected from things. The only way I can see what needs to be done and how we operate is to come back and observe/work. Then, when I get back here, I will know what is needed and more work will be piling in for me here as it is likely we will be working on our second location!
While I am here, I am a working house-wife who spends her free time on personal projects (fitness, blogging, vlogging) and when her husband has free time, we vacation on island chipping away and documenting our bucket list before we leave for good.
I’m pretty happy with that.
I guess part of me needs a plan or some sort of direction, even if it changes constantly and is all in my head.
But anyway . . .
Here is a rough draft of our plans for the Summer of 2015
June – I fly back to Miami to cram as much work and observance as I can for 10 days. Mike will fly in about half way through to finally see what we’ve created and get put to work a bit too . After that, we fly to NJ together spending 3 days with my family and friends. On the last day we rent a car and start driving down the east coast.
July – We meet up with groups of Mike’s family and spend about 3 days each for each chunk of family including fourth of july which will be spent in Atlanta. We drive to Charleston, spend some time there and fly back to Hawaii together where we have decided to visit another island (likely Maui) for a few days instead of spend a crazy amount of money on a week long vacation in Orlando like we want. We are thinking that will be our post-deployment vacation.
August – I planned to head back to Miami for a short time if Mike also had to leave for a long time, but it doesn’t seem feasible for me physically and financially. This month will be a roller coaster of happy and sad while we cram in quality time and bucket list happenings all whilst gearing up all of the sad mundane things we have to do before deployment happens.
SN: I will still be working for the restaurant from my (hopefully new) laptop during my trip whenever and however I can!
SN2: Mike’s underway and deployment dates will never be put out there! I will be very discreet in when and how I post my vlogs and blogs that talk about him leaving and where he is etc.
Cheers to today being positive!
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I am having trouble finding my voice.
I recently spent 6 weeks of my life functioning at the top of my game. Living completely out of my comfort zone, digging up confidence and being stronger than I’ve had to be in a long time. For the first time in a while, I finally felt like the person I know I am and could be. Opening up a restaurant in a new city will do that to you.
For the last 2 weeks, I have been back on island and I must admit that I have been having a rough time here. In my head, I thought that living this dual life would be exciting and fun.
But really, it’s fucking with my head in a bad way.
EXPECTATION: While out in Miami, I dreamed about coming home and waking up in our immaculate apartment each day. I would see my husband off to work while I grabbed some coffee and got to work on all of the things I had to do for the restaurant from here. I’d stop halfway through the day to get in a solid workout which would make me feel like I am keeping up with the positive body changes I have seen. And then I would come home, work a bit more until my husband returned home where we would enjoy a home cooked meal and just catch up on each others lives. In my free time, I would catch up with friends on the beach, shop guiltless and also enjoy time to write, vlog and do whatever it is that I have missed out on in the last 6 weeks.
REALITY: Our apartment has yet to be unpacked because we have far too many things we haven’t gotten rid of. The space therefore clutters my mind so intensely that it is hard to have a complete thought. The work I’ve been doing for the restaurant is scattered and I feel like I am accomplishing very little in comparison to what I was doing. It also doesn’t take up nearly as much time as I thought it would. I go to the gym a few times a week but my workouts also seem a bit scattered. My husband has been working more than he was before we left. Our quality time is precious but sometimes it is forced and anxious as we want to do all the fun stuff but also have to do those things in life that aren’t so fun (i.e – cleaning, finances, preparing for deployment). Most of my friends have left the island and I don’t feel any desire to make any more since I will be back and fourth and eventually gone too. My career and general routine here has dissipated and with the help of a good friend, I have realized ….
I’ve overstayed my welcome.
Of course I knew this was coming. My previous posts about falling out of love with Hawaii definitely drilled into my brain as my husband and I talked about how we’re going to handle the rest of this chapter. The truth is that we can’t change what is ahead. He will be leaving and so will I. We will have times where we still live here together until its over and the only thing we can do is figure out how to make the best of it.
But, how do you “make the best” of something? People that tell me to enjoy the ride or live in the moment make it seem so easy. Is there like, steps you can take? Instructions? A book?
Besides taking deep breaths and trying to relax, I am not sure what it is that I/we have to do to make this better. I feel bad even saying this because I know that there are people who would love to be in this situation. However, that is no reason to hide my feelings. I’ve put in my time here and I am ok knowing that it is almost over.
Here’s what I came up with anyway . . .
Finding my Voice – I really connect with journaling every day just for myself. It helps me define my thoughts and create ones that make a difference. Journaling is for me, but blogging is for me and everyone else. I like releasing thoughts or snapshots from my life and have even been doing it in video form. It seems like the vlogs are less popular but I realized it’s because A.) hanging out with me on camera isn’t the same as real life. I’m not really myself on camera. B.) None of my content is streamlined or has any sort of theme. My IIFYM and weight loss videos were the most viewed out of all but thats because people search for things that can help them. A horseback riding video? Not so much. I need to find a way to connect that works for me and I also need to figure out the subjects I can emphasize on. I am feeling the need to blog more lately which is good, but I am also thinking about video projects I could take on while my husband is deployed while I am working in Miami.
Getting a Hobby – I thought about this a lot, something I could take with me wherever I am. I’m not really a book club kind of person and traditional hobbies like taking dance classes don’t excite me. Whatever my hobby is has to benefit my personal being. I really enjoy lifting weights but I don’t want to become someone that trains for a show or something. I know I want it to be health/fitness related, but I can’t put my finger on it.
Create a Hawaii Bucket List – I’ve created a bunch of these in the last 3.5 years and I need to look back on them to see what has been done. Mike and I decided to create a whole new one of things we want to accomplish before we end up leaving the island for good. I think this will also be something fun to vlog about and will help us enjoy our time as well as making sure we leave with no regrets.
Find a Challenge – In the large of chunk of time Mike will be away, I would like to do some sort of challenge as they help keep me positively distracted. This year I will absolutely do the Lifestyle Jumpstart again and hope to document the process as detailed as possible and even maybe have others do it along with me again. Other than that, I feel the need to create a challenge that will keep me busy and out of my comfort zone so I can keep on growing.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and I am incredibly lucky and happy to be living in it. I also realize that the way we are living our lives are for the greater good. We are working hard NOW so that we can set us up for an even better life LATER. That takes sacrifice, growth, a good attitude and the guts to reflect on your issues and do something about them.
If anyone has any hobby suggestions or places we need to visit or things we need to do in hawaii, please share!