There are a lot of situations in my life where I feel like I am doing something that doesn’t align with my true being. Nine times out of ten, those situations DIRECTLY relate to my weight and the way I perceive my own appearance.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am hideous nor do I think that I am clinically ‘fat’. What I do think is that I am honest and logical, so to pretend there hasn’t been 10-20lbs of fluctuating un-natural weight on my body for the past ten years would be a lie.
It has been said that things (problems, situations, addictions, circumstances) don’t ever go away until it has taught you the lesson you were meant to learn. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement as there has been a lot of those things that have left my life, that have given me the space to learn the lessons I need to propel forward.
So what the FUCK is this weight teaching me after so damn long?!
I’ve read countless books, I became a personal trainer, supplement consultant, been vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, raw and whatever the hell else I can think of. I’ve trained to become an intuitive eating and holistic health coach and I even went to a special culinary school to help others do what I can’t seem to do myself.
It’s frustrating, its sick and the worst part is that not much of it has to do with WHAT I put in my mouth but HOW I do it and how the thoughts I am thinking or maybe even NOT thinking effect everything.
It’s SO much more than telling yourself you are going to adopt a mostly raw diet and waiting for magic to happen . . .
This is me right now, and I feel uncomfortable.
And the fact that I am singing into a sub sandwich oddly has nothing to do with it.
I feel like I have the energy to change everything but then I get caught up spending so much energy trying to make other people think that I am not this ‘person with a weight problem’. The reality is that most people don’t even care. In fact, most guys I’ve been on dates with and all of my friends have ZERO problem with what I look like or weigh and yet I feel like there is always an elephant in the room, no pun intended.
I’m sick of this noise. I’m sick of hiding and sick of perfectly pretending and calculating my clothing, words and sexuality because I think its distracting someone from the truth.
The truth is . .
I am 175lbs on a good day.
I love drinking beer, really hoppy beer.
I enjoy eating meat.
I love everything about having a caffeinated coffee in the morning.
I am really strong and muscular and always have been.
I am CONSTANTLY worried about how big my stomach looks at all times.
I expect to find a perfect person to love me so that I don’t have to do the work myself when I KNOW it doesn’t ever happen like that.
I secretly love all my curves, especially when I am at a comfortable weight.
I love exercising + hiking in nature but don’t enjoy doing it alone.
I am fearful of putting this post out there, but I am doing it anyway.
It’s no fucking wonder that I feel worthy and deserving in some aspects of my life and not others. It’s no wonder I don’t understand when people tell me I should relax because I am doing amazing in life and that I am too hard on myself.
BECAUSE IM TRYING TO BE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
The loving amazing awesome person I truly am.
. . . and
The person (ego) that inhabits a body that doesn’t ‘fit’ the profile of the above person and therefore keeps sabotaging it to prove herself right.
This holds me back, a lot. More than anyone knows . . .
It occured to me in writing this how I have tried SO many things to learn this lesson, everything except accepting where I am at right now and not pretending that part of me is not reality. I’m not sure how this outburst is going to affect my future, but I do know that I am sick of being uncomfortable and would like to finally make a change the right way. I don’t know what that means, or how it will happen but I do know that I feel a sense of relief and release going forward.
i love how I can hear the wind rustling through the path of beautiful life before it rushes through my window.
i love how I can look out the door anytime and see a beautiful valley with rainbows and endless possibilities.
i love how no matter how much beauty surrounds me on the outside, there will always be people out there that will try and make me feel ugly on the inside.
this post my friends, is about the F word . . .
two weeks ago a beautiful + thin women was telling her children about something she believed about chefs while I was clearly in the room, and also happened to be a chef.
‘you know what they say girls, never trust a skinny chef!’
it wasn’t the words she said, and it wasn’t even the prying ‘im talking to you’ glance she gave me immediately afterwards. as far as she knew I was a good chef and in her mind and her eyes . . . that meant I wasn’t skinny and she is 100% right. that is a clear solid fact. but to me, skinny just means skinny. to her, the lack of me carrying this physical trait meant a lot of negative things about me as a person which is sad as she doesn’t know anything about me.
two weeks later I received an awful email from a sad grown ‘man’. it was riddled with hate and rage + physical threats + was clearly aimed at destroying me the only way he knew how. he, like the woman above puts SO much value on appearance so when he said things like . . .
-you fat fuck
-you stupid bitch
- you fat ass
. . . you could imagine how good he must felt thinking it mattered to me because at one time . . . it did matter. A LOT.
but this is not that time, and there will never BE a time like that again in my life. in this very moment, I am happy, successful, awesome, learning, growing, creating and have planted myself in paradise. and you know what?
I didn’t accomplish ANY OF THIS by being skinny.
. . . so choke that down with a side of bacon, fuckers!
noun: a naturally oily or greasy substance in an animal or being that is deposited under the skin
adjective: having an excess amount of the above substance
fat is tangible, and it is also a way to describe something whether it be an animal, a fruit, a bank account or a person.
An animal that is fat is cute.
A fruit that is fat is deliciously ripe.
A bank account that is fat is AWESOME!
A human that is fat is lazy, worthless, stupid + ugly.
wait, what? . . that last one doesn’t make sense, does it?
what shallow, appearance driven people don’t understand about anyone that carries excess weight is that they are not any less of a person. a fat person can still be so damn happy, full of value life and dare I say healthy?
excess weight is just another addictive behavior that is being used as a tool by thyself to be taught a lesson in life. just like an alcoholic, or a sex addict or someone who is addicted to drugs. but because alcoholics + drug addicts are notoriously skinny . . . its OKAY by society because jees at least they aren’t fat. . .
I choose to see any excess weight as a measure of a lesson within myself + i choose to see that in others too.
no matter what, there will always be people out there that will have their blinders on. ironically, it’s usually those people that have the worth, value + happiness issues. its those people that will never know who they are or experience an OUNCE of true joy + authenticity.
i’d much rather have that extra weight as fat in my body then than feel that awful weight in my soul.
when negative things (as those words by those 2 people) happen in my life that test my ego I always ask myself 2 questions . . .
what is this teaching me? – its teaching me that words only have the power I give them. Its also teaching me to see authoritative figures just for what they are no matter what age. Whether you are a parent, teacher, partner or doctor . . . you are also a person with issues too, and you should probably work on them.
what is perfect about this? timing. I needed you both to say what you said to make me stronger and better and even more fucking amazingly awesome.
mahalo to you both <3