After yesterday’s monster soul-vomit blog post, I am trying to see what differences I see and feel within myself. It’s hard to tell at first. I have plenty of epiphanies and revelations that seemed to have led me nowhere, but that is probably because I was again waiting for the magic to happen without doing any of the work myself.
I’ve noticed that I dwell in the extremes of my writing and blogging. I’m either writing a lot or not at all. I want to keep writing about what is happening. I want to keep exploring this ‘situation’ until it dissolves and so I really am going to try my best to share the process as best I can.
I did feel a sense of lightness yesterday. The outpouring of support through social media outlets and talks/texts with friends really fueled my motivation about putting all of that out there. I am honestly always surprised about how many people read and digest my words.
Mahalo, really . . .
I first want to say that I think it’s super ironic that this girl I try to ‘hide’ emotionally is trying to make herself seen to me physically. I wouldn’t have noticed her had I not been looking in the mirror the past year and noticing MORE of myself. And I sure as hell wouldn’t have been able to ignore her as I tried on my old clothes back home and seeing that not one pair of pants fit me anymore.
It’s obvious that this girl needs attention. She needs to be called out, known, and brought to light. Only then will she dissolve into the universe along with the extra weight she has been using on my physical body desperately trying to get my attention.
Are we still on the same page here?
Maybe not, but its okay . . .
So let’s dissect this girl because you may know somebody just like them and you may also be ready to let them go.
What I HATE about her.
- She plays small which is so incredibly opposite of who she really is.
- She thinks horrible thoughts about herself. Thoughts that you would never dream of thinking about your worst enemy.
- She feeds on fear. It’s what fuels her and the more she gets the more she wants, the more she grows backwards.
- She’s by constantly making excuses for her behavior by over-proving herself in life.
- She seeks out validation and chases it like a dangling carrot she will never reach because she doesn’t show up for it.
- She un-tags herself in pictures she can’t bear to look at.
- She keeps her arms crossed in social situations and her body language is that of a new girl in class that just moved to town.
- She withdraws herself from certain social situations because she feels like she doesn’t deserve to be there.
- She looks at her stomach all the time wondering when it will magically shrink back to the days of when she was comfortably curvy.
- She looks at pictures of herself from the past and present and silently says to herself ‘that is NOT me’ . . . but it was, and it is.
- She’s always wishing she isn’t truly where she is right now because right now she is not herself simply because of what she looks like.
What I LOVE about her.
- She has been one of the most loyal people in my young adult life.
- She’s learned about the ins and outs of many diets, supplements and the emotions involved with losing weight and have helped many others on their journey.
- She has brought me on a hell of an adventure that eventually, albeit painfully led to my true passion in life (natural foods chef).
- She showed me what it is like to live on both sides of the spectrum.
- She trained for a body building competition back in the day.
- She helped + comforted me through break-ups, college, culinary school and she helped support me when I made the scariest decision of my life moving to hawaii with no money, job and barely knowing anyone.
- She constantly has given me the chances to explore the deeper facets within myself that otherwise would have never come about.
- She has much more power as a positive force than a negative one, and that is something that can be controlled and changed.
- She knows deep down that she is an illusion created by fear, doubt and poor self-worth.
- In other words, she knows she isn’t real.
If I let this girl go, if I give up this identity of ‘someone with a weight problem’ then who am I?
Well, I am free to be the person I’ve been all along . . .
this is one of the only pictures of myself with a teeth bearing smile . . .
There are a lot of situations in my life where I feel like I am doing something that doesn’t align with my true being. Nine times out of ten, those situations DIRECTLY relate to my weight and the way I perceive my own appearance.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am hideous nor do I think that I am clinically ‘fat’. What I do think is that I am honest and logical, so to pretend there hasn’t been 10-20lbs of fluctuating un-natural weight on my body for the past ten years would be a lie.
It has been said that things (problems, situations, addictions, circumstances) don’t ever go away until it has taught you the lesson you were meant to learn. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement as there has been a lot of those things that have left my life, that have given me the space to learn the lessons I need to propel forward.
So what the FUCK is this weight teaching me after so damn long?!
I’ve read countless books, I became a personal trainer, supplement consultant, been vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, raw and whatever the hell else I can think of. I’ve trained to become an intuitive eating and holistic health coach and I even went to a special culinary school to help others do what I can’t seem to do myself.
It’s frustrating, its sick and the worst part is that not much of it has to do with WHAT I put in my mouth but HOW I do it and how the thoughts I am thinking or maybe even NOT thinking effect everything.
It’s SO much more than telling yourself you are going to adopt a mostly raw diet and waiting for magic to happen . . .
This is me right now, and I feel uncomfortable.
And the fact that I am singing into a sub sandwich oddly has nothing to do with it.
I feel like I have the energy to change everything but then I get caught up spending so much energy trying to make other people think that I am not this ‘person with a weight problem’. The reality is that most people don’t even care. In fact, most guys I’ve been on dates with and all of my friends have ZERO problem with what I look like or weigh and yet I feel like there is always an elephant in the room, no pun intended.
I’m sick of this noise. I’m sick of hiding and sick of perfectly pretending and calculating my clothing, words and sexuality because I think its distracting someone from the truth.
The truth is . .
I am 175lbs on a good day.
I love drinking beer, really hoppy beer.
I enjoy eating meat.
I love everything about having a caffeinated coffee in the morning.
I am really strong and muscular and always have been.
I am CONSTANTLY worried about how big my stomach looks at all times.
I expect to find a perfect person to love me so that I don’t have to do the work myself when I KNOW it doesn’t ever happen like that.
I secretly love all my curves, especially when I am at a comfortable weight.
I love exercising + hiking in nature but don’t enjoy doing it alone.
I am fearful of putting this post out there, but I am doing it anyway.
It’s no fucking wonder that I feel worthy and deserving in some aspects of my life and not others. It’s no wonder I don’t understand when people tell me I should relax because I am doing amazing in life and that I am too hard on myself.
BECAUSE IM TRYING TO BE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
The loving amazing awesome person I truly am.
. . . and
The person (ego) that inhabits a body that doesn’t ‘fit’ the profile of the above person and therefore keeps sabotaging it to prove herself right.
This holds me back, a lot. More than anyone knows . . .
It occured to me in writing this how I have tried SO many things to learn this lesson, everything except accepting where I am at right now and not pretending that part of me is not reality. I’m not sure how this outburst is going to affect my future, but I do know that I am sick of being uncomfortable and would like to finally make a change the right way. I don’t know what that means, or how it will happen but I do know that I feel a sense of relief and release going forward.