The first thing Chris said when I text him what it cost to fix my car was . . .
“Don’t let it get you down, Sweetie.”
He’s pretty smart. He knew that I would go on a huge tantrum about money. I would complain about how ridiculous it was and how I would have to restrict my spending. I wouldn’t be able to do this or that or go here. I would make him feel pity for me because I was wronged. I wanted to feel like I had a reason to be mad or upset and be cared for a little extra.
- – -
In my March update I told you about a book I was reading called Lost and Found by Geneen Roth. This book documents her story about losing over 1 million dollars in the Bernie Madoff scheme and what she learned from it all.
If your like me and have struggled with food issues, then this book is a MUST read. Once you have the awareness that something is wrong with the WAY you eat you (hopefully) go on a journey to find out exactly what that is. And if your brave you will go on to dig through the uncomfortable-ness of your belief systems and break the patterns that got you there where you will realize that your issues are not about food at all.
So working on these issues becomes your new “thing” or obsession. Along this long and scary process, lessons will be learned and things will begin to “click” and before you know it you will start winning more battles with food (and self) than losing.
But, if you truly don’t finish solving those issues . . .
THEY DON’T GO AWAY.
You cant lie to yourself. You cant deem yourself “fixed” if your not. I and many others have said that food issues are just the surface and now more than ever I believe it.
Lets take a look at my relationship with money . . .
I never think I have enough (food, weight-loss, confidence, beauty)
I restrict when I go off track (dieting, calorie counting, calorie saving)
I get obsessive about numbers and budgets (calories, obsession)
I go so long without spending that I breakdown and go on a spree (bingeing)
It revolves in a lot of my daily thoughts (obsession)
I save in hopes of using it when I am finally happy (excuses to stay overweight)
Buying something because I deserve it (bingeing, compulsive eating)
I let how much I have define me (self-worth, beauty, weight)
You can CLEARLY see here that the issues I have with myself have not gone away. They literally morphed from one part of my life to another as if leaving a shell of my former self behind. Yes, I broke through a lot but there is still more to shed and this time . . . its even HARDER!
The awareness of this has really got me deconstructing all my beliefs about anything! Its not that it wasn’t important to do before, but it seems almost more REAL this time. All along I thought my “problems” were directly related to my weight and issues with food and that was kind of comforting in a way. When they started to fade away (somewhat) something was STILL there that I couldn’t put my finger on and now here it is staring me in the face in another form.
I’m determined to take what I can from this and I already feel myself changing. Former beliefs are being challenged and habits are being broken. I am starting to really see what is true for me and can use this to start living more authentically.
What I can say about the actual money is this . . .
Spend your money on what you BELIEVE in.
Saving and budgeting have their place, of course. But your money is to be spent on what it is that YOU believe in.
For me, this means realizing that I should be lucky and grateful for having enough money to be where I am and doing what I’m doing even when I think I need more.
To not feel guilty for spending money on vacations, trips and meals out because its important and a vital part of our relationship and something we enjoy.
To demand and buy higher quality food because as a living being we deserve to feed ourselves well and if not many people see the importance in that yet, that’s their choice.
To spend when I feel its truly worth it and question my beliefs behind my impulse “gotta-have-it” buys.
To save for the right reasons and not just because I obsess over something bad that may happen in the future. Nothing is guaranteed and whatever happens is rarely ever what we plan for or think is going to happen.
For the record . . .
I did NOT ask for pity about spending money on my car. To me, it was money that had to be spent for my safety and to continue living my life, no questions asked. Kind of like when I buy something organic at a store. Yes, I see that its $2 more but I BELIEVE in it, so I don’t question it and it becomes my own personal “normal”.
My official response . . .
“I’m not. It needed to be done and I still have enough to live “
Have you ever been brave enough to examine your issues with money? Are you in control? Very interested in what you have to say!
Well, I am feeling a little bit better than I did yesterday.
After work I had some peppermint tea, sat on the couch and just cried. Not as much as last time, but enough to let out the stress in some way.
(do you see the steam, Dad ?)
We’re having a noise issue coming from upstairs which is also causing us to have no sleep. I’m starting to really feel the effects. Im stressed, fatigued and my immune system is taking a hit as I havent fully recovered from when I was sick on New Years!!
Complaining wont do much for me so lets get into what’s happenin’
My burn is getting better though it looks a lot worse. This one is definitely going to leave a scar!
I worked this morning. Usually I don’t bring breakfast because I’m ok with having a later breakfast or early lunch but I didn’t eat dinner last night so I brought a banana on its last legs with almond butter and a hazelnut coffee with some nice froth to it.
Now, its time to tackle my To Do list for the day.
Mostly shopping, cleaning, studying and packing up for tomorrow. Can you see why I’m beginning to not like Saturdays?
I have most of the day off, but its usually filled with prepping for the week ahead. It feels like all my days where I have some time off are like that though!
I’ll try and make the best of it!
Off to tackle this list and get some lunch!
What is your typical Saturday like?