The first thing Chris said when I text him what it cost to fix my car was . . .
“Don’t let it get you down, Sweetie.”
He’s pretty smart. He knew that I would go on a huge tantrum about money. I would complain about how ridiculous it was and how I would have to restrict my spending. I wouldn’t be able to do this or that or go here. I would make him feel pity for me because I was wronged. I wanted to feel like I had a reason to be mad or upset and be cared for a little extra.
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In my March update I told you about a book I was reading called Lost and Found by Geneen Roth. This book documents her story about losing over 1 million dollars in the Bernie Madoff scheme and what she learned from it all.
If your like me and have struggled with food issues, then this book is a MUST read. Once you have the awareness that something is wrong with the WAY you eat you (hopefully) go on a journey to find out exactly what that is. And if your brave you will go on to dig through the uncomfortable-ness of your belief systems and break the patterns that got you there where you will realize that your issues are not about food at all.
So working on these issues becomes your new “thing” or obsession. Along this long and scary process, lessons will be learned and things will begin to “click” and before you know it you will start winning more battles with food (and self) than losing.
But, if you truly don’t finish solving those issues . . .
THEY DON’T GO AWAY.
You cant lie to yourself. You cant deem yourself “fixed” if your not. I and many others have said that food issues are just the surface and now more than ever I believe it.
Lets take a look at my relationship with money . . .
I never think I have enough (food, weight-loss, confidence, beauty)
I restrict when I go off track (dieting, calorie counting, calorie saving)
I get obsessive about numbers and budgets (calories, obsession)
I go so long without spending that I breakdown and go on a spree (bingeing)
It revolves in a lot of my daily thoughts (obsession)
I save in hopes of using it when I am finally happy (excuses to stay overweight)
Buying something because I deserve it (bingeing, compulsive eating)
I let how much I have define me (self-worth, beauty, weight)
You can CLEARLY see here that the issues I have with myself have not gone away. They literally morphed from one part of my life to another as if leaving a shell of my former self behind. Yes, I broke through a lot but there is still more to shed and this time . . . its even HARDER!
The awareness of this has really got me deconstructing all my beliefs about anything! Its not that it wasn’t important to do before, but it seems almost more REAL this time. All along I thought my “problems” were directly related to my weight and issues with food and that was kind of comforting in a way. When they started to fade away (somewhat) something was STILL there that I couldn’t put my finger on and now here it is staring me in the face in another form.
I’m determined to take what I can from this and I already feel myself changing. Former beliefs are being challenged and habits are being broken. I am starting to really see what is true for me and can use this to start living more authentically.
What I can say about the actual money is this . . .
Spend your money on what you BELIEVE in.
Saving and budgeting have their place, of course. But your money is to be spent on what it is that YOU believe in.
For me, this means realizing that I should be lucky and grateful for having enough money to be where I am and doing what I’m doing even when I think I need more.
To not feel guilty for spending money on vacations, trips and meals out because its important and a vital part of our relationship and something we enjoy.
To demand and buy higher quality food because as a living being we deserve to feed ourselves well and if not many people see the importance in that yet, that’s their choice.
To spend when I feel its truly worth it and question my beliefs behind my impulse “gotta-have-it” buys.
To save for the right reasons and not just because I obsess over something bad that may happen in the future. Nothing is guaranteed and whatever happens is rarely ever what we plan for or think is going to happen.
For the record . . .
I did NOT ask for pity about spending money on my car. To me, it was money that had to be spent for my safety and to continue living my life, no questions asked. Kind of like when I buy something organic at a store. Yes, I see that its $2 more but I BELIEVE in it, so I don’t question it and it becomes my own personal “normal”.
My official response . . .
“I’m not. It needed to be done and I still have enough to live “
Have you ever been brave enough to examine your issues with money? Are you in control? Very interested in what you have to say!
It’s obvious that I’ve been in a cranky little slump lately. Part of me just wants to burn my to-do lists and surrender. The other part of me is just alive with energy and passion to work on my future. Balancing these two feelings and making sure I have fun is proving very tough lately.
It’s time to ReFocus
The month of April is like a new beginning as everything brightens and blooms. It’s another chance to take the reigns instead of letting them take you down and that’s just what I’m going to do . . .
this is a HUGE missing piece of my life lately. I miss connecting with nature and moving my body. I don’t get that anymore and a lot of it is my fault. It’s too cold or I’m too busy ect. I miss the feeling I get before during and after I work out. I’m much more healthy and I feel good. I know i can’t expect to get on a decent schedule right away but 1 time a week of moving that brings joy is acceptable at this point. I currently don’t want to count the 2 miles I walk on school days as it’s obviously not the kind of workout I’m envisioning though I do enjoy my city strolls.
if you read my Balancing Money series, you know that I aim to save as much as possible while still living my life and going to culinary school. You will also soon find out that I kind of fell off the wagon in March and NOT getting my act together is simply not an option as I will be losing hours at work and working some days at another location without pay.
Self Care & Fun
When I admitted recently that I wasn’t having any fun, I consciously changed that. I went out on school nights and did more things I enjoyed. Unfortunately this came at a literal price of spending too much money and not getting enough sleep. I need to work on balancing this too. My self care rituals have taken a slight dip as well. I only broke the TV rule once which is a success in my book but I have been giving myself 10min of reflecting/meditating less and less. I find I do it only when I get to the point where I think I NEED it which is not the right way to go. I need to go back to doing this EVERYDAY 100%
I have so many exciting ideas and ventures that I sincerely hope to get off the ground and I’ve been filling some of my leisure time working on them. I also recruited the help of my sister Marie to assist me and will be having more "business meetings" to help.
My true foods health philosophy is always in the works. Im constantly changing and honing it until I feel I can preach it to everyone in the right way. I have a rough copy in the works that I will post in time. There are no new concepts, just health the way I do it. Eating intuitively, eating foods that are true and real, incorporating new things such as sea vegetables into my diet and forever creating and learning things to share. The more I embrace this philosophy, the better I feel and the more confident I feel about helping people with their own health. It’s taking a lot of time and a lot of times my efforts are thrown off track by life, but theres no time like the present to focus on.
For the next 2 days I will be celebrating my 5 year anniversary with Chris somewhere in the Poconos. We had our whole trip planned but it looks like we may have to make some changes due to weather closings. Either way, we are beyond excited to travel on a little road trip to a place we have never been together. We have the most fun when we travel! I hope to come back refreshed and ready to refocus on all of the above.