Today I felt much better. I may have actually slept and I really didn’t have that scary nervous feeling in my gut upon waking. Chris and I decided to make chocolate chip pancakes. I was craving something dense and heavy as I didn’t really eat much yesterday after the debacle.
I didn’t get a good snapshot of breakfast. I only ended up eating 2.5 pancakes with a large glass of almond milk.
Those suckers were FILLING!
Obviously, they weren’t filling enough because we ended up having a 2nd breakfast anyway!
Let me explain . . . .
Our good friend and his family are opening a bagel shop in walking distance of our house.
They invited us over to test out some samples and have some coffee! No way we were passing that up . . .
I was happy to be able to use my new camera to get some good shots for them. They even want me to take the photo that will be used for the advertisement they use at the movies in our area on the big screen. How cool! don’t be jealous Dad.
Also, when I’m settled into school a bit I will be selling some baked goods there and may even teach some cooking classes! Not getting my hopes up just yet though.
Jordan sent us home with some bread which I froze for later use
I am FULL. It’s nearly 5pm and I haven’t eaten since then. I will say I am very dehydrated though.
Tonight, after some laundry ill be heading out to play bingo with our friends!
We are all in our 20′s . . . I swear
Remember in my last update when I told you I would be going to Thanksgiving dinner?
Well on my way there while getting lost . . . I found out that it was a bust as his cousin who was supposedly allowed to leave his duty (marine) couldn’t come.
There was still dinner there, and I still gave them my muffin cookies . . .
But they put all the good stuff away to save until actual Thanksgiving. By that I mean they put everything away but the goose and duck . . . Not a fan.
I was pissed . . . .
At the fact that I was starving and couldn’t eat. At the fact that I was excited to bring my new camera out to play and couldn’t. At the fact that Chris is not the best at getting details of a situation.
I sat on the couch with my iPad. His grandma felt terrible so she tried to make me something, but I wasn’t really feeling it . . . I decided I was going to make my move and leave ASAP. Instead I did get to talk to his grandma about school and NYC while ironically my OWN grandma called to talk about school and NYC . . . So at least that happened
I got in my car and I tried to figure out what I wanted to eat. I deserved something BAD right? I got cheated out of dinner so I had a great excuse to get whatever I wanted without judgement.
I decided instead to drive to my parents house. At least Id get to bitch with my family about what happened and see the dogs.
but something strange happened . . .
Right there in the car, I started to cry a bit. It would go away then happen again. They we’re just tiny pockets of emotion that just made me wince and squeeze out a few tears.
I drove past my parents house. It was clear that I needed to sit with this feeling. And I was NOT hungry anymore.
I sat on the couch with no electronics, just the light. I started crying a little . . . Then more and more. Until I was crying that can’t catch your breath helpless cry. The whole time all of these thoughts running through my head . . . .
What if I can’t do this?
How will I maintain everything?
What if my relationships fall apart?
What if I’m not good enough?
Im scared to leave my comfort zone and take chances.
What if I get off the wrong way on the subway?
What if I’m too tired to work?
What if no one likes me?
I’m scared . . . . .
For the past 3 weeks I realized that I was stressed, but I wasn’t allowing myself to feel it. I ignored it by distracting myself by cleaning, shopping, cooking, not spending quality time with Chris and spending more hours on the iPad than i’d like to admit. My body was showing me the signals every day! Yet I would push it away. I thought if i didn’t feel stress then I wouldn’t be stressed, scared or nervous.
I WAS WRONG
Chris came home and saw me laying there with my raccoon eyes. He told me that yes, it would be hard. And yes, things might suck sometimes. But it’s only for a year. And that I CAN do it and it will change our lives in a positive way. He also told me that I’m not alone either.
And I’m not . . .
I felt better. I felt lighter and less tense. And strangely . . . My hunger returned.
As I sat on the couch with him watching a movie I realized something that I always KNEW but finally BELIEVED . . . .
Never Underestimate The Inclination To Bolt.
I’m thankful I am doing this Intuitive Eating Weekend. If I didn’t, I’m not sure I would have stopped and let myself feel what I needed to feel. A great lesson learned.
Do you let yourself feel the uncomfortable feelings? Or do you distract yourself with other things like me?