Lets talk about my weight . . . again.
It’s safe to say that my number one demon has always been myself. In fact, I think that my biggest problem in life was/is feeling like I am “good enough” or deserving of things directly relating to the way I look or how much I weigh.
Through the years (and this blog) I have battled this every which way I can think of. I was a personal trainer who trained for figure competitions (and never did one because I binged too much). I worked for supplement companies, became an intuitive eating coach and lastly a natural foods chef. My life revolves around food and health because it is my true passion. Its what I like to talk about, write about and its what I like to BE.
So you could imagine how frustrating it is/was to be a 5’5 girl with a small waist, broad hips, legs and shoulders and weigh anywhere from 145 lbs – 179 lbs. Since I have documented most of the feelings on the spectrum, I would like to explain where I am right now.
The picture on the left was me last year a few weeks POST purification cleanse. Back then I was confused, anxiety ridden and un-equipped with tools to keep me healthy (ie- no kitchen). This is how I spent a lot of my thoughts and time in hawaii. Sure I had amazing moments and triumphs and times where I was putting my health first, but nevertheless I was literally building a life from scratch on an island and using food as my crutch. This crutch brought me to my highest weight and poorest health ever (179).
Last year, after my visit home in January I came back to the island with no job or potential private chef clients. As I explained in this post, the strange thing was that I felt excited instead of fearful. It was really a challenge to get the ball rolling again, but once it did I found myself on the path to being the happiest I have ever been. I have a dream job/opportunity, I live in a beautiful apartment and I re-connected with the love of my life. Although there are many challenges that go along with all of these things, an interesting thing just kind of happened.
My life gained positive momentum.
I lost weight.
The picture on the right is me at about 158 lbs. Yes I am cleansing and taking care of myself better, but I think the most valuable part of this loss is that its staying this way without much effort. I’ve released the struggle mentally and my body has responded physically. I know this isnt a big transformation or anything, but the meaning behind it is very significant.
I honestly cant say that I have been doing too much to make this happen. I mean sure, I cook more at home and the food I make for Blue Tree Café is mostly vegan and I have been drinking more green juice but I mean I STILL don’t exercise (working on that) and for the most part, I eat things that are unhealthy from time to time but not SO much of them.
It’s kind of a double edge sword for me because I go into this whole 10 years of training about healthy food and how to balance yourself and eat correctly and detox and blahblahblah and I know that is a HUGE part of it, but all along was being happy really the key?
I can tell you eating tips, recipes and cleansing remedies until the cows come home but if half the battle is our minds then this is the best emotional weight loss advice I can give based on my recent experience.
Keep Your Humble Bone In Tact
When going through a tough time in your life where you find yourself with little direction, its important for you to be OK with starting from the bottom over and over. I cannot tell you how many jobs I have taken below my skill level just to get by. I learned so much from these experiences that I now use in my future. This goes the same for picking yourself back up to get on the health wagon. The first step is so much more difficult than any other. Rock bottom is just another opportunity to have ALL the opportunities. You figure out a little bit more about what works and what doesn’t every time.
Sometimes we get so caught up with the mess we’re in that we forget why we do things in the first place. Every once in a while you must ask yourself a few important questions and be honest with yourself in answering them. . .
What do you want? I mean REALLY want?
What are the things in life that light you up and what can you do to follow that feeling no matter how small?
Are you where you want to be in your life? If not what can you do to take that first step?
Sorry Is Not Welcome Here
I remember having a lot of pity parties for myself, big and small. The reality is that nobody can save you from yourself. You must take responsibility for actions and really trust in what you believe you can do. Feeling sorry for yourself (and bringing others down with you) will only attract more shitty situations for you to deal with.
Keep Your Creative Spirit Active
I’m learning that my biggest strength in my life is my creativity and the way I think about things. I am also learning that this gift is not just used for my food creations. It’s the way I sing, write, organize, design, give advice, solve problems etc. I know how important edge and creativity are in life and I know for a fact that when you leave this part of yourself on the back burner, you tend to drown in the mundane vortex of life. Paint something, cook something, write something, build something, sing, draw read . . . do something that forces you to step out of your brain comfort zone. Its where the best ideas come from and its where happiness breeds.
You know, a lot of people say I am lucky for all I have. And I agree with them. However they believe I am lucky because they think I fell into hawaii, a growing career and true love etc. I believe that luck is a combination of hard (really hard) work and leaps of blind faith meeting opportunity. You can go years and years before the three meet, but once it does it leaves you open to everything you’ve ever wanted naturally.
So . . .
Do you have to be happy to lose weight?
Do you have to accept yourself before its possible?
Partly. Just like the left and right brain, I believe there is a logical side and a spiritual side to weight loss. The logical side can be manipulated by diet, exercise, health remedies etc. This part of things is like solving an equation, its actually the EASY part. The spiritual side of weight loss is much harder as you are trying to solve the ever changing equation of your own self. You try different things, think different thoughts, release what doesn’t work and keep what does until you find the right answer.
Here are some other weight related posts from the Balancing Val Chronicles . . .
- On buying XL clothing
- I want to lose weight
- How to deal with someone calling you fat
- Documenting days of intuitive eating
Happy Veterans Day
I meant to post an update yesterday, but I was just too drained to do so.
That has actually been bothering me a lot lately. For some reason, I felt like I was much more focused when I did this last year. I know a LOT of things have changed since then such as . . .
- Having an actual kitchen
- Having a much more demanding job
- Being in a serious relationship
- Starting the cleanse 10lbs less than when I started last year
- Less to detox
I guess I am mid-point with all of this right now and my ‘time of the month’ emotions are taking hold of me. I feel like at this point I should be having much more energy than I do now and much more brain focus to be able to handle everything I need to and more.
My meditations are barely there. I haven’t done any journaling or gratitudes in 3-4 days and I actually broke my 24 hour fast yesterday because I couldn’t take the hunger. My body was screaming for SOMETHING so I had some brazil nuts and a sprout salad around 8:30pm.
Last night I had feelings of doubt about all of this. I feel almost like a failure. I followed this cleanse so much more strict last year without documenting anything and now that I am, I feel like I am not getting a gold star.
I know that I need to be more kind to myself right now. I didn’t ruin anything and all of the things that I am doing are good for my wellbeing. I plan to make 70% of this my life style so I can be at my best ALL of my life and not just 3 weeks of it.
I still have 12 days left which is a bit more than half. I plan to re-focus and really make this more of a priority rather than something I will feel like rebelling against.
When I write this all out, I think to myself how ridiculous it all sounds and how things are really not as bad as they seem . . . at all. I am still doing a great job.
- – -
Meals have been ok as of late. I still stick to my vegan protein shakes in the morning and have a green juice when I am at work every day. I notice myself craving more dense and sweet foods. When that happens I usually toast up a piece of gluten free bread with strawberry jelly.
The other night I made some spaghetti squash and topped it with some vegan butter in which I simmered fresh garlic in. On the side we had the rest of the tofu turkey with gravy. The gravy made it so salty that I couldn’t finish it.
Yesterday I did my second enema of the cleanse. I went to Down To Earth to get some fresh wheatgrass again but they were out. I walked around the aisles to find a wheatgrass powder on sale not including a $5 coupon.
I know that using powdered wheatgrass is not the same. As soon as it dries all of the active enzymes have died. Still, I thought it would be a better than nothing choice. In fact, I use wheatgrass powder in my morning smoothies at work so it will definitely go to use at home.
The outcome was not as great as the fresh juice, but it was still much better than using nothing. I think when the boys are away next year, I am going to take on the project of growing my own wheatgrass on the lanai. I learned so much about how much wheatgrass is beneficial for so many processes and I know how to grow it properly and how much it would help to have a fresh supply and could even sell some to friends that cant find it or cant make it.
Today I have the day off. It feels great to have a mid-week day to sleep in and catch up on everything that gets neglected. I end my fast (again) around 10am or when I get hungry. I really don’t feel like eating anything right now so we’ll see how long this lasts.
Later on we made loose plans to go out to dinner since its been quite a while. We still plan where we go based on where I can get something to eat which has been challenging but also keeps us cooking at home as well as trying places we haven’t before.
Back to day 10 . . . .
Have you ever had an issue and soul vomited it out only to feel like things are not really that bad?