I started my day off on Thursday hoping that Chris and I would do a circuit workout together in the living room. When I pulled the weights out of the dusty “workout box” I found an old familiar enemy . . . the measuring tape. For some reason I had this radical idea to do my body measurements. I had found my stats from a year ago, and people have been saying I look like I lost weight so why not?
I was devastated to find out that absolutely nothing had changed. I immediately regretted my stupid decision. I mean, I haven’t weighed myself in a year, why would I go measure myself?! In hindsight its actually pretty impressive that things didn’t change seeing as how its almost been one year since I stopped dieting and unintentionally stopped exercising so much.
I then went on to get my first haircut of 2011. I’m trying to grow out a ridiculous wedge from last year and its been a rough awkward ride. Thankfully, it grew enough to the point where it was able to be evened out a bit. Don’t mind the glassy eyes, the picture was taken post breakdown.
When I got home, I decided to take a nap before heading to dinner with Chris. The nap was fantastic! I haven’t slept that hard in ages since being involved with some apartment issues that I cant discuss right now. When I woke up there were words exchanged between Chris and I that ended up having me feel guilty for taking some time out for myself to nap and get my hair cut whether it was the intention or not (apparently, it wasn’t).
In an effort to ignore the situation and cool off, I sat in the kitchen to open some mail, specifically our joint account statement. I found that we still had an abnormal amount of money in there and then it hit me . . .
I forgot to pay the rent!
Immediately, my shoulders and neck got so tense and heavy and this rush of emotion filled me to the point where I exploded in tears. I was ashamed and embarrassed. It wasn’t just about the rent, it hit me that I have been forgetting so many other things lately big and small. The most important on my list . . . . self-care, spending time with friends & family, relaxing and having fun.
I put a lot on my plate and now I am starting to realize why. I feel the need to have an arsenal of things to have with me at all times. I need a grenade to throw at the unknown because I fear what is going to happen in a year, a month, a week even. So I pile up so many projects and invisible deadlines so that if something goes wrong, there is something to blame.
“I failed because X wasn’t done”
The more I work on my future, the more Ill be prepared for this war that might not even exist!
Funny thing is I am losing the war in the process. I’m losing my connection to what I love and what makes me happy and ironically its that connection and passion is the actual key to the future!
I have got to let go of a lot of things. My fear of money, my invisible deadlines, my strict work ethic on my time off and my summer goals and having fun. Letting this time in my life pass me by is worse then not knowing what the future holds because all I really have is that life right now in the present moment. Contrary to what my mind is making me feel, I don’t need to have it all figured out just yet.
For the record, we did end up going out to dinner at an Indian restaurant and it helped . . .