living in hawaii

countdown to 30 . . .

Its October?!

Can’t really tell here . . .

This crazy chapter that is 2014 is almost coming to a close.  And following the messiest  year of crazy ups and downs is my entrance to the 30th decade.

Just like most 29 year old women, that number sent me into a mental panic.  Thinking I SHOULD have this done by then or I SHOULD look like this and have all my shit together and maybe even have popped out a kid (or two!).

When I think more about it, I didn’t really have any true expectations.  I knew I wanted to have all of my food issues squashed and of course have a more healthy functioning body but everything else I just kind of let fall into place. Ironically, the two things I have not conquered are the ones that still aren’t, but I think those things will always be a work in progress.  There is no complete “cure”, just a constant journey I need to follow and respect.

But seriously though, I have so much to be grateful for.  The newest edition to my life is my devoted, kind, made for me husband whom I seriously cannot picture my life without.  I’ve made it in hawaii for nearly THREE YEARS! And even though my time is more than half way up and there are a lot of things I don’t enjoy about this place, it has changed my life and . . . its fucking HAWAII.  I am grateful for my family and how we’re all cut from the same cloth and support each other more than ever, even through the deep sadness of losing the man who helped made us whole. I have a working car, a kitchen, a huge apartment with an ocean view and great friends and I even still have a job cooking and creating healthy foods while contributing to the growth of a new business based around people turning into their best selves.


But here’s the thing. . . .

Something for me is definitely missing or lacking.  It almost feels like there is a weird roadblock that keeps recurring. As far as my work life goes,  I always want some sort of career.  I’ve worked my ass of to get where I am and I always want to keep a piece of that and always be able to contribute to my family and what drives me personally.

I may regret saying this one day, but I am not interested in being a full-time housewife.

Right now I am in a very unique situation.  I am part of a growing business currently fulfilling a dream that is shared by a few great minds (which is great), but also financially shared by a company who will always call the shots in the end.  This is not the first time this has happened in my life and there always comes a point where in the back of my head, a voice or some really supportive friends let me know that I should have been working on something for myself and if I had, then I would truly be calling the shots and truly have something of my own in time.

Back to my unique situation . . .

Because of military life, I will be here another 2 years max which means no matter what, I might have to “start over” career wise because we will be moving our lives some where else for a few more years and then moving again. Essentially, putting all my eggs in one basket is going to have me missing out on a chance to use my time to build something that will be more long term and that can travel along for the crazy adventure that is my life. I am learning to free my expectations and see what happens but at the same time, start something myself so I can stay a constant in my own life and career path no matter what ends up happening.  It is all ever changing.

What do I want?

First and foremost, I want to enjoy the rest of my time here.  There’s so much I still want to see and do.  There are many new growth challenges to face including moving into a new place in a year or so, or growing a marriage with limited communication and tons of distance (super, super sad face).  I want to continue to work and give Bluetree 100%  and see what could happen while I am here.  And I also want to give MYSELF 100%

I want to spend time becoming my best self and I want everyone to see me do it.  From there I want to help people do the same whether its just by following along, or doing a cleanse with me, or buying one of my t-shirts or even getting a hold of an e-books that I really hope to write in the near future.  I want to use my experiences and knowledge to help myself, and then help others in some way.

I haven’t got it all figured out yet, but its become clear that this is where my life is heading and it’s time to begin now because even though 30 is not “old” (though I used to think it was..) its definitely not “young”.  I have built up enough experience and gifts to make SOMETHING happen and darling, its time.

Where to begin?

Regular blog posting. This is a weird thing for me.  I go through phases in life where I don’t want anyone to know what I am doing and stay in complete privacy.  THEN i get on kicks where i want everyone to know EVERYTHING and I don’t care because I like being an open relate-able book.  I do need to set boundaries on what I things I should and should not post.

Wipe the slate clean - this year will mark THREE years of doing my “Purification Cleanse” that truly started my Hawaii health journey.  I do want to change the name and get more detailed with recipes and checklists.  But I want to do it again and blog about it again and keep perfecting and improving it into something that could work for anyone wanting to jumpstart their lives too.  Check out last years posts on my 2013 purification cleanse.  The goal is to get my body cleaned out of toxins and basically start fresh by figuring out what foods/methods/habits/exercise truly work for me and stick with it to keep on having an even more amazing life. You know, basically just actually following all the advice I give to others . . . .

Instagram – its damn easy for me to post pictures of my day and what I am doing and I really love it.  I am fairly active on instagram posting a picture of my journey each day.  User names is . . . balancingval  of course . . .



Print a FUCKING SHIRT WOMAN!? – That was from my brain to myself and I know secretly its from everyone around me that has been pushing me to do the same for about 5-6 years now.  For so long I’ve made so many excuses for this and the top ones being that I don’t think they are good enough and that I don’t want to risk spending the money on them.  WELL . . . as someone creating any kind of art . . . I will never think they are good enough but I have to do something that is hard for me and trust the opinions of others.  Financially, I got the go ahead from my incredibly supportive husband to use a chunk of money on a round of shirts that we will be saving from Mike not being home spending money on food or gas.

So that’s it.  My brain dump and commitment to my future to make my 30’s the best decade yet.

being positive, and other BS we’re fed . . .

Yesterday, an old co-worker turned dear friend of mine contacted me out of the blue with a simple work related question. A few texts later we exchanged the answers to “How have you been?” in which mine was a quick reference to the crazy roller coaster ride I’ve been on lately.

Her reply surprised me because it wasn’t anything that was in agreeing about how life is crazy, or fucked up or anything about keeping tabs on who is suffering more.  It simply stated that she hoped the ride was joyous and blissful because I deserved it, especially knowing where we both came from trying to plant our roots in our careers and ourselves just 2 short years ago.

At that moment, it was exactly what I needed to hear.  The hours that followed this sweet message consisted of me being inadvertently called out for worrying too much and not being able to live and enjoy the present moment from more than one person. Of course, there was more to the story, especially dealing with the craziness of the last few months but this day in particular left me feeling like a really shitty human being and the worst part was I couldn’t find a damn thing to truly justify it because I agreed.  It felt like I got slapped in the face with the reality of what I looked like to the people closest to me and how I really didn’t enjoy what that was.

It got me thinking . . .

Did it really have to be this way?

Is it true that this ride CAN be joyous and blissful all the time?

And more importantly . . .

Am I in control of it?

I think a real issue that has stayed with me for as long as I can remember is that I tend to be very black and white with most things that I do.  Its all or nothing, good or bad, diet or binge.  I guess that is to be expected from a former young wannabe bodybuilder, but that stage of my life has passed leaving me with that last little bit of these life lessons to conquer.

I use this mentality when my judgement gets crossed.  Someone telling me I am too negative or worrysome (even if its me) immediately throws me into this tale spin of me trying to be positive and happy 100% of the time like one of those creepy people (you know at least one) that justifies EVERYTHING as a universal lesson which leaves them no room to take personal responsibility for anything.  When that fails, I get “negative”, pissed off and want to punch everyone that tells me to “live in the moment” far into the future . . . just because.

What I have come to believe is we are not MEANT to be positive 100% of the time. The situations in our lives that get us mad or angry or sad are just a part of it, just like death is a part of life. Furthermore, things are not MEANT to always go your way either.  This is a huge indicator of life putting you on a better path and allowing you to have different feelings, emotions and THINGS that will ultimately keep propelling you forward or backward or whatever is in store for you . . . unless you’re boring and have completely settled on a mundane life.

We are MEANT to feel like shitty human beings sometimes and it’ll takes more than a pep-talk or a specified amount of time to change your perspective. It’s all unique to you and what you’re going through.

And so is how you choose to strive . . .

You could strive to be 60% positive most of the time.



As long as you can embrace that its ok to feel the way you feel.


Which is obviously what I need help with the most, but for now it is a pretty freeing realization even if I end up being wrong or changing my mind down the road.  Maybe feeling terrible is a key to not more often?

But for now . . .

  • Strive for being on the other side of dark most of the time (see above)
  • Enjoy the ride when its good, but embrace with curiosity and kindness when its bad (you don’t have to PRETEND its good when its bad even if the whole thing is for your own positive good in the end)
  • Be amazed that you get to experience all of it