Something doesn’t feel right . . .
It’s the start of a new year, a new decade (I’m freshly 30) and I’ve shed more tears in the past 15 days than I have in months. Trying to figure out why has been impossible. I have so much to be thankful for and my life has evolved into something I never imagined it could be, but something is missing and it’s so blindingly apparent that I need to figure it out.
I feel like I am starting at the bottom again and I don’t even know when I fell down! I feel like I can admit now that I’ve been so unhappy in my job in the last year, that I let it distract me from the things that make myself ME. I’ve also let my fathers passing and my husband’s work schedule do the same and it’s all built up to right now where I feel unfulfilled personally and desperately wanting to make a change in a direction I don’t even know where to point myself.
Last year, besides getting married, the only thing that truly made me feel like unique, ambitious, goal digging self was writing the Lifestyle Jump Start and getting myself to the healthiest I’ve ever been. I am used to making bold moves and having great things to talk about, awesome recipes to share and now I feel like my opinion barely matters to myself!
I feel most alive when I am taking immaculate care of myself, when I am traveling in a new place or when I’ve created something so unique that it wows everyone and sadly those moments have been few and far between. What I’ve realized is that for these moments to happen, I must CREATE the opportunity and finding the motivation to do so is just not happening.
I came here to start over by myself with no money and no job, and put myself in a situation so uncomfortable that finding my way would prove that I truly can do anything. And now that I feel like I’ve accomplished what I’ve set out to do here . . .
I’ve fallen out of love with Hawaii . . .
When I first moved here, someone told me that if you come to the island and truly need to be here, things will unfold for you and it will be apparent that it would all work out somehow. BUT, if you’re not supposed to be here, doors will be closed and not let you flourish which will lead to your departure.
I am blessed to say that I was one of the lucky ones that were meant to be here. Sure it was NOT easy hustling until I made my way, but I look at where I am now and I am so happy that my craziest decision in life ended up being the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
And now that I came and conquered, I feel like there is not much left for me in paradise. It pains me to say it because I know so many that would love to have the chance even vacation here let alone live here, but I must be honest. Living in a place like this is wonderful but has HUGE drawbacks that not many understand. Just because we are here in paradise does not mean that it isn’t hell sometimes. It also doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to be sick of it or want more out of life. There is a whole world out there with options, road trips, seasons and opportunity and every time I leave, it is harder to come back.
I were a free bird, I would have probably left by now onto my next adventure but I am not. I am happily married to the love of my life that I would do anything for and that includes having to stay here for a little less than 2 years. I’m not bitter about this at all, but I do know that I need to make some changes so that I can learn to enjoy the rest of our time here while simultaneously building something for my future that is mobile enough to bring us to our next place in life while still feeling personally fulfilled.
This is why I feel like I am starting over. My husband and I knew that Hawaii was just a temporary home for the both of us, it’s the reason why we’ve never made our apartment feel like a “home” and why we are saving our bigger life purchases and starting a family when we return back to the mainland. For now we are stuck in this strange holding pattern/limbo while the time passes that doesn’t always feel like “real life”.
I know that I have a lot of skills, but I don’t know how to combine them into something great. I know I want to help people, but I don’t know what format I can. And my issue with consistency is proving to be one of the biggest challenges of all, especially for my health goals.
I want this to be a breakthrough year and I trust it will be, but I need to spend some time reconnecting to what makes me happy in order to get there . . .