living in hawaii

grey < rainbows

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It’s gloomy in Newark that morning but honestly, I always think of grey gloominess when I think of the town I’m only in when I’m flying away from it.

This morning brings about the second time I’m flying to Hawaii. I broke the ice by spending 3 weeks in NJ with friends, family, my new niece and a better understanding of myself which isn’t something I was expecting to pack into my carry-on this time around.

I cried when I said goodbye to my family all the while knowing that these are the consequences and feelings I must deal with being the ‘exiled’ one but I can only do the things I’m driven to do even if that means being so far away from all the comforts I’ve come to known over the past 28 years.

I cried once again while Marie was away from the car getting me my last dunkin donuts coffee for at least a few months. But something strange happened. Those tears were much different. They were tears of fear.

Lately when I feel fear this outer perception kicks in automatically inviting me to observe myself outside of the situation. I quickly realized I was robotically crying tears of fear + scaredness when in actuality I wasn’t really scared at all.

In fact, I was more scared of the chance of missing my connecting flight in Atlanta than I was to come back to Hawaii where I must rebuild my life again by finding/creating a part-time job, obtaining a new vehicle and oh, launching t-shirt line.

This time around my blank slate has a foundation, it has ground to stand on that I created by throwing myself to the wolves of life and coming back scarred but stronger than ever.

It sounds crazy, but I can’t help but be proud of myself for being in a situation where I have to start over. I’m realizing that in life things go away (cars, jobs, relationships, love, et ceterea) in order to give you the chance to do things the way you TRULY want if you have the guts.

As I write this I am finally on the long plane ride back to Hawaii. The air is stale and I am surrounded by couples, young and old embarking on a journey to a place where they plan to relax, enjoy beautiful scenery and create experience for a WHOLE week, maybe two tops.

Then there is me alone on the end seat, cramped, sore, with a glass of cheap wine in my stomach and uncomfortable,  ready to create the experience yet again for her WHOLE life.

just get a job . . .

my first away-from-home thanksgiving night ended later than expected, but it ended well as i made a last minute decision to go out and have a beer with good company. since i hadnt had one sip of alcohol in over a month, my liver was ‘thanking’ me by churning away at my stomach all night. i now remember why i vowed to drink less of my precious beer.

i woke up in a bit of a fog but still somehow had the foresight to look at my credit card statement. somehow, i missed the payment date again. fuck.

i keep paying the damn bill but my timing has been off as so many due dates have been added to my confusing alert list since moving to this rock. as i reluctantly paid the extra $70, an internal panic attack ensued.

first thing i do in such situations is put ‘vegetarian’ in the craigslist search box for jobs. when i saw quite a few available i was relieved.

i can always just … get a job, right?

- – -

what i failed to mention in my last few blog posts was that for the past 3 months i have been working the job i so valiantly tried to turn down. as i was writing the email to my now boss/spiritual mentor/friend, i remember how crazy it was to tell her that i wasn’t going to be happy working so much if i didnt have time to focus on my business. then i remember that last minute sentence i added on gut instinct about saying that i would be interested in working … but just less.

the next day she called, and i actually picked up the phone to face it head on. i didnt expect her to be mean, but i did expect tension and a super awkward conversation.

expectations are the quickest path to hell … 

she ended up telling me that she valued my happiness and wanted me to work on my hearts desires. she also told me that she saw huge potential and success in me after picking me out of 40-something applicants and only meeting for about 20 minutes.  she was willing to have me work less and do whatever it took to have me there, but also be happy.

this, was not a coincidence.

the past 3 months have changed my life significantly in ways i could never imagine. the power of nature is a truly strong force and i have been able to take a big part in the role of ridding somebody of their body-wide cancer using zero drugs or supplements or ANYTHING that is remotely related to western medicine. long story short, i witnessed a miracle.

you could only imagine the lessons i have learned with just this one aspect. however it was much more than that for me. ive gained an incredible value and respect for myself and others and for the first time, i am living my own truth despite what anybody else’s truth may be.

the program is done as of tuesday. my plan was to be continually working on my OWN business ventures while i was working for my patient. well, little of my work was done as i was soaking in all of the information and grabbing my bearings in this whole aspect of food that i never dreamed i would experience.

the good news is that its not over. i have been given the opportunity to have a space in the world where i can fulfill my life’s purpose as food and healing educator + activist and be a strong foundation of a growing sustainable community prototype.

the problem? …

i have to take another leap and do it myself.

right now i have the SPACE to make my dreams come true. now i have to do the work.  i have to put myself out there. i have to develop classes, programs and lectures that people will actually WANT to go to. i have to refine my coaching skills. i have to continue my t-shirt designs and promote and market the shit out of myself.

for now on, all of the money i make will be through my own efforts. that my friends, is a hard shot of wheatgrass to swallow. this morning, searching for that list of jobs was another safety tactic designed by ‘old val’. since i have no safety net, that would be the most logical thing to do. however, i KNOW myself enough to know that getting another job would BE that safety net. it would give me an excuse to be SO BUSY that i couldnt work on this or that. it would leave me in my comfort zone by letting somebody else take responsibility of where my gluten-free bread and vegan butter come from …

well, im done with that.

just. done.

its time to leap yet again. its time to be vulnerable + work hard and smart and really deliberately create my future.

again, isnt that what trapeze artists do?