living in hawaii

acceptance + choice

I originally wrote this a few days after my birthday last year.  Actually, I wrote a LOT of things last year that are only just being dug up now. I am so thankful for being able to look back on my thought processes through these times in my life that few people could ever understand.

Acceptance & Choice

January 6th 2013

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn and continue to learn are the ones about acceptance and how we choose to deal with those things in life that hold such power, positive or negative. Sometimes there are situations in life that seem so perfect, so right and yet they never turn out the way you really wanted them to.

Sometimes bad shit just happens for no reason . . . or, every reason.

As humans, our default is to get angry.  The lesser extent is to find WHY something didn’t work.  This way we can fix it, or we can at least justify it. When we do this, we place blame on a tangible thought or feeling in an attempt to barricade feeling the pain of the event.

Time and time again I have been faced with these situations out here . . .

Spending too much on a car that was a lemon only to get into a minor accident to be salvaged

Not getting seemingly ‘perfect’ jobs even though you were told you are perfect for it

Having a seemingly ‘perfect’ relationship only to be let go for something else

Just BARELY being able to pay your bills by means of cashing out your retirement WAY early

Having amazing friends at one time who fall away and do not walk the same path as you anymore

Needs changing, wants changing . . . life changing.

– –

These are just some minor examples, but what I have realized about emotions is that they come back tenfold.  When you are feeling angry, upset and questioning your existence, it’s almost like you are emitting a signal that requests MORE of these feelings. You will then notice MORE situations of this magnitude keep popping up until you are fully immersed in a life filled with the “why me’s” and all kinds of victimization. And if you don’t pull yourself out, you’ll begin to believe that the world really is out to get you, and then it actually will be.

Things in life will be good; things in life will be bad.  Strangely enough, whatever happens has NOTHING to do with you as you are.  Things don’t happen TO you, they happen FOR you. When you are jolted with a bad experience or even a good one, you are given a choice in which way to use your power.  You can accept it and then make the choice to  empower it, or diffuse it.

Cars are just cars, jobs are just jobs, money is just money.

You are YOU and there really is nothing like it.

grey < rainbows

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It’s gloomy in Newark that morning but honestly, I always think of grey gloominess when I think of the town I’m only in when I’m flying away from it.

This morning brings about the second time I’m flying to Hawaii. I broke the ice by spending 3 weeks in NJ with friends, family, my new niece and a better understanding of myself which isn’t something I was expecting to pack into my carry-on this time around.

I cried when I said goodbye to my family all the while knowing that these are the consequences and feelings I must deal with being the ‘exiled’ one but I can only do the things I’m driven to do even if that means being so far away from all the comforts I’ve come to known over the past 28 years.

I cried once again while Marie was away from the car getting me my last dunkin donuts coffee for at least a few months. But something strange happened. Those tears were much different. They were tears of fear.

Lately when I feel fear this outer perception kicks in automatically inviting me to observe myself outside of the situation. I quickly realized I was robotically crying tears of fear + scaredness when in actuality I wasn’t really scared at all.

In fact, I was more scared of the chance of missing my connecting flight in Atlanta than I was to come back to Hawaii where I must rebuild my life again by finding/creating a part-time job, obtaining a new vehicle and oh, launching t-shirt line.

This time around my blank slate has a foundation, it has ground to stand on that I created by throwing myself to the wolves of life and coming back scarred but stronger than ever.

It sounds crazy, but I can’t help but be proud of myself for being in a situation where I have to start over. I’m realizing that in life things go away (cars, jobs, relationships, love, et ceterea) in order to give you the chance to do things the way you TRULY want if you have the guts.

As I write this I am finally on the long plane ride back to Hawaii. The air is stale and I am surrounded by couples, young and old embarking on a journey to a place where they plan to relax, enjoy beautiful scenery and create experience for a WHOLE week, maybe two tops.

Then there is me alone on the end seat, cramped, sore, with a glass of cheap wine in my stomach and uncomfortable,  ready to create the experience yet again for her WHOLE life.