I’ve been pretty lucky the last year or so to not feel too many negative effects of being a submariners wife or military wife in general. Sure, we can’t ever make solid plans, duty days suck and my husband and I never actually know when he is coming home, but I would take that any day over being apart from him for extended chunks of time with very limited communication.
But, as I’ve been mentioning, the next 2 years of our marriage are going to be just that and wow, it already sucks. In all honesty, the times we have been away from each other have only lasted up to 3 weeks or so, but this one coming up in the very near future (cannot say exactly when) is going to take us through a good chunk of the season.
I’m scared, nervous, sad, angry and super anxious for it to start so that it could just be over with already. The anticipation and anxiety that starts around this time is really something I have to work on though I do know that it doesn’t ever stop . . . it just becomes more tolerable.
My goal is to be as positive as possible which I know isn’t always going to happen, and rightfully so. All of my time in Hawaii I have spent being an independent, ambitious woman and so I still have those roots to connect back with.
I do know that keeping busy and distracted is a MUST. It’s funny how time feels like it passes slow or fast depending on what is going on in your life, but in reality it passes the same amount each time. Perception, I guess.
I have a full-time executive chef gig to keep a big chunk of my days occupied, but I wanted to compile a list of things I want to accomplish on the personal side so I can use this time wisely and not take it for granted.
– Get one shirt printed and ready to sell. This was a goal in my last post, but I am putting it here too. This is NOT really a hard thing for me to accomplish. I must take the fear out of it and just do it!
- Detox + Weight Loss Cleanse. Again, this is another goal from my last post. Basically, every year I take 3 weeks before thanksgiving where I totally clean up my diet and focus on a hefty amount of self-care to give my body and mind a jumpstart into the new year. I have been able to keep off 20 pounds in the last 1.5 years by using what I have learned and I want to continue to keep improving on this.
– Pack Up. I really like the apartment we are in now, even with a roommate. The plan for all of us was to stay one more year together before moving on to having a place for just the two of us, but military life turned that plan around by giving my roommate orders off the island. I am very excited to settle in a new place and make it our own, but I am also anxious about finding the RIGHT place since we will have minimal time to do it before Mike gets home and our lease is up. Still, I am happy we get to do it together!
- $AVE- I’ve written a lot of posts about money and budgeting, and I even started a series on money and marriage. I can get into details later but for now the update is that we’re doing OK with the transition. We still overspend a lot on things we don’t really *need* and Mike and I have totally different spending habits but we are definitely communicating and adjusting every step of the way. So anyway, because he will be away and not spending anything on gas or food or any randomness, it’s a perfect chance for us to catch up on our lofty savings goal and to have enough to furnish our new digs in a few months.
– 2 Massages – good (non-creepy) massages in Hawaii are one (of probably two) things that are cheaper here than on the mainland. We found an awesome place that is super cheap even with tip. I’m making sure I get two of these as part of general self care and to give myself another thing to look forward to so that time speeds up a bit.
That’s definitely enough to tackle for the time span I’m looking at. All this won’t keep me from missing my husband like crazy, nor do I want it to because it’s definitely healthy. If I ever stop being sad about him leaving or stop missing him, there’s a huge problem! I’m as ready as I can be for the challenge.
This crazy chapter that is 2014 is almost coming to a close. And following the messiest year of crazy ups and downs is my entrance to the 30th decade.
Just like most 29 year old women, that number sent me into a mental panic. Thinking I SHOULD have this done by then or I SHOULD look like this and have all my shit together and maybe even have popped out a kid (or two!).
When I think more about it, I didn’t really have any true expectations. I knew I wanted to have all of my food issues squashed and of course have a more healthy functioning body but everything else I just kind of let fall into place. Ironically, the two things I have not conquered are the ones that still aren’t, but I think those things will always be a work in progress. There is no complete “cure”, just a constant journey I need to follow and respect.
But seriously though, I have so much to be grateful for. The newest edition to my life is my devoted, kind, made for me husband whom I seriously cannot picture my life without. I’ve made it in hawaii for nearly THREE YEARS! And even though my time is more than half way up and there are a lot of things I don’t enjoy about this place, it has changed my life and . . . its fucking HAWAII. I am grateful for my family and how we’re all cut from the same cloth and support each other more than ever, even through the deep sadness of losing the man who helped made us whole. I have a working car, a kitchen, a huge apartment with an ocean view and great friends and I even still have a job cooking and creating healthy foods while contributing to the growth of a new business based around people turning into their best selves.
But here’s the thing. . . .
Something for me is definitely missing or lacking. It almost feels like there is a weird roadblock that keeps recurring. As far as my work life goes, I always want some sort of career. I’ve worked my ass of to get where I am and I always want to keep a piece of that and always be able to contribute to my family and what drives me personally.
I may regret saying this one day, but I am not interested in being a full-time housewife.
Right now I am in a very unique situation. I am part of a growing business currently fulfilling a dream that is shared by a few great minds (which is great), but also financially shared by a company who will always call the shots in the end. This is not the first time this has happened in my life and there always comes a point where in the back of my head, a voice or some really supportive friends let me know that I should have been working on something for myself and if I had, then I would truly be calling the shots and truly have something of my own in time.
Back to my unique situation . . .
Because of military life, I will be here another 2 years max which means no matter what, I might have to “start over” career wise because we will be moving our lives some where else for a few more years and then moving again. Essentially, putting all my eggs in one basket is going to have me missing out on a chance to use my time to build something that will be more long term and that can travel along for the crazy adventure that is my life. I am learning to free my expectations and see what happens but at the same time, start something myself so I can stay a constant in my own life and career path no matter what ends up happening. It is all ever changing.
What do I want?
First and foremost, I want to enjoy the rest of my time here. There’s so much I still want to see and do. There are many new growth challenges to face including moving into a new place in a year or so, or growing a marriage with limited communication and tons of distance (super, super sad face). I want to continue to work and give Bluetree 100% and see what could happen while I am here. And I also want to give MYSELF 100%
I want to spend time becoming my best self and I want everyone to see me do it. From there I want to help people do the same whether its just by following along, or doing a cleanse with me, or buying one of my t-shirts or even getting a hold of an e-books that I really hope to write in the near future. I want to use my experiences and knowledge to help myself, and then help others in some way.
I haven’t got it all figured out yet, but its become clear that this is where my life is heading and it’s time to begin now because even though 30 is not “old” (though I used to think it was..) its definitely not “young”. I have built up enough experience and gifts to make SOMETHING happen and darling, its time.
Where to begin?
– Regular blog posting. This is a weird thing for me. I go through phases in life where I don’t want anyone to know what I am doing and stay in complete privacy. THEN i get on kicks where i want everyone to know EVERYTHING and I don’t care because I like being an open relate-able book. I do need to set boundaries on what I things I should and should not post.
– Wipe the slate clean - this year will mark THREE years of doing my “Purification Cleanse” that truly started my Hawaii health journey. I do want to change the name and get more detailed with recipes and checklists. But I want to do it again and blog about it again and keep perfecting and improving it into something that could work for anyone wanting to jumpstart their lives too. Check out last years posts on my 2013 purification cleanse. The goal is to get my body cleaned out of toxins and basically start fresh by figuring out what foods/methods/habits/exercise truly work for me and stick with it to keep on having an even more amazing life. You know, basically just actually following all the advice I give to others . . . .
– Instagram – its damn easy for me to post pictures of my day and what I am doing and I really love it. I am fairly active on instagram posting a picture of my journey each day. User names is . . . balancingval of course . . .
– Print a FUCKING SHIRT WOMAN!? – That was from my brain to myself and I know secretly its from everyone around me that has been pushing me to do the same for about 5-6 years now. For so long I’ve made so many excuses for this and the top ones being that I don’t think they are good enough and that I don’t want to risk spending the money on them. WELL . . . as someone creating any kind of art . . . I will never think they are good enough but I have to do something that is hard for me and trust the opinions of others. Financially, I got the go ahead from my incredibly supportive husband to use a chunk of money on a round of shirts that we will be saving from Mike not being home spending money on food or gas.
So that’s it. My brain dump and commitment to my future to make my 30’s the best decade yet.