A long while back, I posted my thoughts on a Geneen Roth quote . . .
“Deserving time for yourself is not a function of how smart or pretty or thin you are. Deserving time for yourself is not a function of how much you did or didn’t accomplish that day. Deserving time for yourself is a function of the fact that you are alive and deserve to have time for yourself.”
While I wholeheartedly agree with this statement, I’m noticing that for me there are some strings attached.
Recently, Elina of Healthy And Sane posted her feelings about being a couch potato. She’s a driven person but for some reason, frequently surrenders to do nothing AND end up feeling guilty about breaking her commitments which totally negates what a break should be. I left her my thoughts about this in her comments because I feel the same way. I delved deeper into MY issue with this problem and here is my thought process . . .
What if I am taking this “deserving a break” business too far?
What if I don’t actually DON’T deserve to take a break?
What if I’m taking a break for the wrong reasons?
I feel guilty even writing this statement, but I am going to do it anyway in the name of authenticity . . .
In “bad” situations, I constantly feel as if I am owed something.
Long day at work? – I need a nap and to be left alone and do nothing.
Stressful day at school? – I need time off to catch up and re-group.
PMS? – I need to be a bitch and do nothing.
Changed plans? – I need you to feel guilt while I do nothing.
Of course it doesn’t stop there, but do you notice a pattern?
For some reason, I always feel I need to even the score. And if the score isn’t even, I need to make sure you feel bad about it. Why cant I accept situations for what they are and move on from them without feeling like I lost something?
The crazy part is most of the situations are things that I choose to do. What’s the sense of complaining about a long stressful day at school when I know that its what I signed up for and I do love it? Why cant I acknowledge that sometimes things are going to be hard and not try to look for a reward for getting through a normal situation?
What I do know is that if I constantly try to even the score or take rewards, I will never win. There’s also a good chance that if I continue down this path that I will end up a bitter, negative person that will always get in her own way.
To fix this I must . . .
Figure out WHY I feel this way (any tips would be helpful!)
Treat every situation even the bad ones, with kindness and acceptance.
Deconstruct beliefs and sit with my feelings when I do decide to take a break or do nothing.
I know when I am tired or run down and need to chill out, but I also know when I’m not but do it anyway. Its just like eating when your not hungry. Its unnecessary, leaves you with guilt and is usually covering up something else that’s going on.
What do you think? Am I the only selfish one that looks to even the score?
The first thing Chris said when I text him what it cost to fix my car was . . .
“Don’t let it get you down, Sweetie.”
He’s pretty smart. He knew that I would go on a huge tantrum about money. I would complain about how ridiculous it was and how I would have to restrict my spending. I wouldn’t be able to do this or that or go here. I would make him feel pity for me because I was wronged. I wanted to feel like I had a reason to be mad or upset and be cared for a little extra.
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In my March update I told you about a book I was reading called Lost and Found by Geneen Roth. This book documents her story about losing over 1 million dollars in the Bernie Madoff scheme and what she learned from it all.
If your like me and have struggled with food issues, then this book is a MUST read. Once you have the awareness that something is wrong with the WAY you eat you (hopefully) go on a journey to find out exactly what that is. And if your brave you will go on to dig through the uncomfortable-ness of your belief systems and break the patterns that got you there where you will realize that your issues are not about food at all.
So working on these issues becomes your new “thing” or obsession. Along this long and scary process, lessons will be learned and things will begin to “click” and before you know it you will start winning more battles with food (and self) than losing.
But, if you truly don’t finish solving those issues . . .
THEY DON’T GO AWAY.
You cant lie to yourself. You cant deem yourself “fixed” if your not. I and many others have said that food issues are just the surface and now more than ever I believe it.
Lets take a look at my relationship with money . . .
I never think I have enough (food, weight-loss, confidence, beauty)
I restrict when I go off track (dieting, calorie counting, calorie saving)
I get obsessive about numbers and budgets (calories, obsession)
I go so long without spending that I breakdown and go on a spree (bingeing)
It revolves in a lot of my daily thoughts (obsession)
I save in hopes of using it when I am finally happy (excuses to stay overweight)
Buying something because I deserve it (bingeing, compulsive eating)
I let how much I have define me (self-worth, beauty, weight)
You can CLEARLY see here that the issues I have with myself have not gone away. They literally morphed from one part of my life to another as if leaving a shell of my former self behind. Yes, I broke through a lot but there is still more to shed and this time . . . its even HARDER!
The awareness of this has really got me deconstructing all my beliefs about anything! Its not that it wasn’t important to do before, but it seems almost more REAL this time. All along I thought my “problems” were directly related to my weight and issues with food and that was kind of comforting in a way. When they started to fade away (somewhat) something was STILL there that I couldn’t put my finger on and now here it is staring me in the face in another form.
I’m determined to take what I can from this and I already feel myself changing. Former beliefs are being challenged and habits are being broken. I am starting to really see what is true for me and can use this to start living more authentically.
What I can say about the actual money is this . . .
Spend your money on what you BELIEVE in.
Saving and budgeting have their place, of course. But your money is to be spent on what it is that YOU believe in.
For me, this means realizing that I should be lucky and grateful for having enough money to be where I am and doing what I’m doing even when I think I need more.
To not feel guilty for spending money on vacations, trips and meals out because its important and a vital part of our relationship and something we enjoy.
To demand and buy higher quality food because as a living being we deserve to feed ourselves well and if not many people see the importance in that yet, that’s their choice.
To spend when I feel its truly worth it and question my beliefs behind my impulse “gotta-have-it” buys.
To save for the right reasons and not just because I obsess over something bad that may happen in the future. Nothing is guaranteed and whatever happens is rarely ever what we plan for or think is going to happen.
For the record . . .
I did NOT ask for pity about spending money on my car. To me, it was money that had to be spent for my safety and to continue living my life, no questions asked. Kind of like when I buy something organic at a store. Yes, I see that its $2 more but I BELIEVE in it, so I don’t question it and it becomes my own personal “normal”.
My official response . . .
“I’m not. It needed to be done and I still have enough to live “
Have you ever been brave enough to examine your issues with money? Are you in control? Very interested in what you have to say!