Id say that I am about 73% better. I have taken off over a week of work and school to take care of myself and I couldn’t possibly take any more. As of tomorrow its time to get back into life.
Its been a hell of a ride. Stress, emotional roller coasters and oh the physical pain of it. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!
I refuse to take something away from all of this. There are a lot of things I learned this week, but one lesson is so damn important.
Looking back at the past month, I realized that I hadn’t really been the same person. I felt almost like a robot just going through the motions of each hat I had to put on trying to do everything perfectly. My life was GO GO GO. I was either on or I wasn’t and those brief moments where I wasn’t quickly started to fade into GO GO GO time as well.
When I get stressed or overwhelmed, I do two things:
1. I binge eat
2. I become very compulsive with cleaning, organizing and errands.
I am SO SO happy to say that I have not binged since August 2010! This is an amazing accomplishment but it is also bittersweet as I resort to stress reliever #2.
Lately, the house has been cleaner than it has been in a while. As soon as I walk in the door I think of the to do list in my head of things that have to be done and do them. I pick up clutter, I make the bed, Ill clean the bathroom, I organize a cabinet, I put away laundry, make a food list, I make sure there is nothing in the sink 2-3x per day. Before I knew it, I turned my time to rest & re-group into the hectic chaos of my everyday life.
It was easier to distract myself from the stress than deal with it head on . . .
When I decided to ignore the signs with the help of my mind, my body kicked me down so hard. So hard that I was forced to be taken away from it all. The funny part is, even THEN I ignored it. When I wasn’t screaming out in pain or laying in bed, I would think about to do lists, or do the dishes or throwaway clutter or feel tremendous GUILT from knowing I was letting people at work and school down.
With the tremendous help of the Abundant Self-Care Coach I was able to realize that I let taking care of myself become so unimportant that the ME in my life disconnected. I was all business, I wasn’t having fun, I was following the tunnel vision that just told me to “get through it”. My outside world was defining me and nothing else.
In a way, it reminds me of when I used to hard core diet. I would be good all week just so I can have that one meal or day that I can eat whatever I want. In essence, this is the exact same thing. Except the hard core diet are my work and school days, and that one meal is the short amount of time off. Maybe I felt like if I worked hard then I would feel like I deserve to have that time to relax and do what I want. Only that time never came anymore . . . I never let it.
One scary thing about all of this is that I cant change the outside. I cant work less hours, I cant only go to school one day a week and I cant change my days off.
The only thing I can change is how I deal with the situation.
And that is what I shall do. EVERY DAMN DAY I need to make sure there is a spot of time that I have for myself. I have to literally push moments or minutes into my day that will take me out of robot mode and back to myself. There needs to be a part of the day that I look forward to simply because I don’t have to wear any hats or have any responsibility. I need time to laugh, be silly, be stressed, be angry or be whatever the hell I want!
In my world of black and white, I MUST make grey.
I used to think self-care was all about taking the right vitamins or eating the right foods and exercising. Although is a a big part of it . . . that’s just the CARE aspect. The SELF aspect is really what makes that all possible.
Being yourself is important and is what makes everything possible.
Therefore . . . Taking time for yourself is the most important thing you can do. And if you choose to ignore this, eventually your body will let you know. As bad as this whole thing was . . . it happened for a reason.
I have a few things that I will share in a future post about ways I WILL take care of myself a little each day. What are the things that you do to take care of yourself?