I started my day off on Thursday hoping that Chris and I would do a circuit workout together in the living room. When I pulled the weights out of the dusty “workout box” I found an old familiar enemy . . . the measuring tape. For some reason I had this radical idea to do my body measurements. I had found my stats from a year ago, and people have been saying I look like I lost weight so why not?
I was devastated to find out that absolutely nothing had changed. I immediately regretted my stupid decision. I mean, I haven’t weighed myself in a year, why would I go measure myself?! In hindsight its actually pretty impressive that things didn’t change seeing as how its almost been one year since I stopped dieting and unintentionally stopped exercising so much.
I then went on to get my first haircut of 2011. I’m trying to grow out a ridiculous wedge from last year and its been a rough awkward ride. Thankfully, it grew enough to the point where it was able to be evened out a bit. Don’t mind the glassy eyes, the picture was taken post breakdown.
When I got home, I decided to take a nap before heading to dinner with Chris. The nap was fantastic! I haven’t slept that hard in ages since being involved with some apartment issues that I cant discuss right now. When I woke up there were words exchanged between Chris and I that ended up having me feel guilty for taking some time out for myself to nap and get my hair cut whether it was the intention or not (apparently, it wasn’t).
In an effort to ignore the situation and cool off, I sat in the kitchen to open some mail, specifically our joint account statement. I found that we still had an abnormal amount of money in there and then it hit me . . .
I forgot to pay the rent!
Immediately, my shoulders and neck got so tense and heavy and this rush of emotion filled me to the point where I exploded in tears. I was ashamed and embarrassed. It wasn’t just about the rent, it hit me that I have been forgetting so many other things lately big and small. The most important on my list . . . . self-care, spending time with friends & family, relaxing and having fun.
I put a lot on my plate and now I am starting to realize why. I feel the need to have an arsenal of things to have with me at all times. I need a grenade to throw at the unknown because I fear what is going to happen in a year, a month, a week even. So I pile up so many projects and invisible deadlines so that if something goes wrong, there is something to blame.
“I failed because X wasn’t done”
The more I work on my future, the more Ill be prepared for this war that might not even exist!
Funny thing is I am losing the war in the process. I’m losing my connection to what I love and what makes me happy and ironically its that connection and passion is the actual key to the future!
I have got to let go of a lot of things. My fear of money, my invisible deadlines, my strict work ethic on my time off and my summer goals and having fun. Letting this time in my life pass me by is worse then not knowing what the future holds because all I really have is that life right now in the present moment. Contrary to what my mind is making me feel, I don’t need to have it all figured out just yet.
For the record, we did end up going out to dinner at an Indian restaurant and it helped . . .
It’s obvious that I’ve been in a cranky little slump lately. Part of me just wants to burn my to-do lists and surrender. The other part of me is just alive with energy and passion to work on my future. Balancing these two feelings and making sure I have fun is proving very tough lately.
It’s time to ReFocus
The month of April is like a new beginning as everything brightens and blooms. It’s another chance to take the reigns instead of letting them take you down and that’s just what I’m going to do . . .
this is a HUGE missing piece of my life lately. I miss connecting with nature and moving my body. I don’t get that anymore and a lot of it is my fault. It’s too cold or I’m too busy ect. I miss the feeling I get before during and after I work out. I’m much more healthy and I feel good. I know i can’t expect to get on a decent schedule right away but 1 time a week of moving that brings joy is acceptable at this point. I currently don’t want to count the 2 miles I walk on school days as it’s obviously not the kind of workout I’m envisioning though I do enjoy my city strolls.
if you read my Balancing Money series, you know that I aim to save as much as possible while still living my life and going to culinary school. You will also soon find out that I kind of fell off the wagon in March and NOT getting my act together is simply not an option as I will be losing hours at work and working some days at another location without pay.
Self Care & Fun
When I admitted recently that I wasn’t having any fun, I consciously changed that. I went out on school nights and did more things I enjoyed. Unfortunately this came at a literal price of spending too much money and not getting enough sleep. I need to work on balancing this too. My self care rituals have taken a slight dip as well. I only broke the TV rule once which is a success in my book but I have been giving myself 10min of reflecting/meditating less and less. I find I do it only when I get to the point where I think I NEED it which is not the right way to go. I need to go back to doing this EVERYDAY 100%
I have so many exciting ideas and ventures that I sincerely hope to get off the ground and I’ve been filling some of my leisure time working on them. I also recruited the help of my sister Marie to assist me and will be having more "business meetings" to help.
My true foods health philosophy is always in the works. Im constantly changing and honing it until I feel I can preach it to everyone in the right way. I have a rough copy in the works that I will post in time. There are no new concepts, just health the way I do it. Eating intuitively, eating foods that are true and real, incorporating new things such as sea vegetables into my diet and forever creating and learning things to share. The more I embrace this philosophy, the better I feel and the more confident I feel about helping people with their own health. It’s taking a lot of time and a lot of times my efforts are thrown off track by life, but theres no time like the present to focus on.
For the next 2 days I will be celebrating my 5 year anniversary with Chris somewhere in the Poconos. We had our whole trip planned but it looks like we may have to make some changes due to weather closings. Either way, we are beyond excited to travel on a little road trip to a place we have never been together. We have the most fun when we travel! I hope to come back refreshed and ready to refocus on all of the above.