in my last update, I clued you in about how lost I feel already. my closest friends and family know that its actually been worse than the somewhat sugar-coated post seems. in fact, yesterday I had my first ‘im not sure if im going to make it out here’ moment.

thank goodness I have amazing support  that will snap me right back into reality and tell me to push past this uncomfortable stage because they know I can.

and thank goodness for my trip to target yesterday . . .

if im going to stay here for a few months, then there are some general things I need to get through like . . . a blanket, razors, laundry detergent, coffee etc. so I decided to take my giftcards from christmas for a ride and stocked up on $150 full of randomness.  we all know shopping at target is pretty rad, but this shopping trip made the difference between a confident outlook and a plane ride home.

see, this past week I have had nothing. I have no food in the house and nothing that I can really call mine.  even though I am welcome here, I feel a crazy intruder anxiety all too often.

should I get some water?

can I grab a spoon?

I wonder if they care if I leave my contact case on the sink?

should I go downstairs and sit around with them?

is it a good time to ask to be taken to the store?

or should I stay up here with my Steve Jobs book on kindle until my eyes glaze over?

ridiculous, right?

well, needless to say I feel much better now. because I have some food in the house, I have a reason to go downstairs at anytime. because I have things in the shower I can take one when I please. because I have a blanket, I can go to sleep when I want. because I have laundry detergent, I can wash my clothes. it may seem small to most, but it means so much to me.

my guess is that ill feel even better after going to the actual grocery store later. when I stock up the kitchen, I will be able to cook healthy food for all of us. not only will that give me piece of mind because I adore kitchen patrol, but it will give me somewhat of a routine and it will help me feel like I am contributing.  plus it will give me some good recipe content for the blog-ster.

. . .

im pretty excited for tomorrow to walk out, explore and spend some time with myself. I really want to be active here and am hoping that I am able to walk or bike to the job I end up getting. I also want to learn the bus system so that I don’t always have to rely on my friend to get to places in town.

so many new things . . .

bring it on hawai’i